There is Help...and there is Hope

For those of you who were at Boyce with me, you may remember that I had my differences with the Biblical Counseling program. My relationship with the faculty was probably what we could all call "strained" at best. We simply did not see eye to eye on so many things. However, you may also remember the phrase Dr. Scott repeated over and over again that we were to convey to anyone we counseled, "There is Help...and there is Hope." Despite my differences with that department, that is a phrase that has gotten me through the recent days.

The picture above is not a picture of a happy, healthy and thriving 3 month old baby. Many of you have commented on how tiny he is, you've heard me talk about how fussy he is and several of you have witnessed first hand the around the clock, constant feedings that have still left him discontent. Tuesday, we had a check up and discovered that despite constant feedings and doing everything possible to make him happy, Lil' Nick Nac is not growing like he should. He doesn't even register on a growth chart for weight and his height is about the 10th percentile, despite having arrived as a perfectly average sized baby. Of course, this sent me into a panic. Moms worry, it's what we do but when the doctors around you start to worry, it sends you into a whole other realm. I was not in a great place, as I struggled to feed him even more, researched all possible options and tried to keep from completely melting down. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I could hear that voice saying, "There is Help...and there is Hope."

Yesterday, we met with a lactation consultant who reviewed our case, looked at my screaming baby, my patient 4 year old, and my exhausted self and said that she so badly wished she could help but there wasn't anything more she could do. She sent me back to our wonderful pediatrician who calmly explained why formula was our best...and at this point, only option. As she held Drew in her lap to keep him busy, she reassured me that, "This is going to be ok." Of course, ever my high needs little guy, Nick is allergic to dairy and cannot tolerate soy so we're experimenting with some Alimentum to see if he can handle it. At this point, it seems to be going well. He is putting it away like crazy and although he isn't a lot happier yet (probably due to having caught a yucky cold), he is more relaxed and napping so much better today. I'm praying that our follow up appointment on Monday will show that he is thriving and gaining weight like he should.

I know there are some of you dear friends who are very much entrenched in the breastfeeding life style. You have a hard time with babies on formula and wish that everyone would nurse their babies. There was a time that I would have considered my self very pro-breastfeeding as well. However, both my boys (due to their own issues), have taught me that I am pro-FEEDING babies. I honestly could not care less how it happens, as long as the end result is a happy, healthy and thriving baby. I am so thankful that there is always Help and there is always Hope...even when it doesn't come in the way I'd originally planned. So what if things didn't happen the way I'd imagined them? I live in a place where I have doctors, lactation consultants, and formula readily available...and for that I am so thankful. 

Many of you who've followed everything going on have asked how my Monkey is doing in all of this. He has been such a trooper! Today he got a special reward for all of his patience. Living in Montana, where everyone hunts and fishes, he's long begged for a BB Gun to start practicing with. He and Jesse went and got one today...don't worry, it only comes out when Daddy gets it out :)

So, that's where we are these days. As always, we covet your prayers for our family. Nick still has a way to go before we can stop being concerned and we're praying that as he is finally getting enough calories to keep up with his little body, he'll be a lot less fussy and finally be a happy little boy. We love you all and cannot thank you enough for the prayers and support that you give!

Love His Heart!

I was driving this afternoon, on my way back from our latest little adventure (grocery shopping with both boys and no Daddy) when my sweet Monkey said the sweetest thing. I just had to share it but realized it was too long for a fb status and so, it was necessary to revive the blog...again. Someday, I'll write consistently but since showering on a regular basis is sometimes a challenge, I wouldn't recommend holding your breath for that!

Anyway, back to the story...well, with a little background. We realized earlier this year that Drew has a major heart for missions and also helping those in need. Operation Christmas Child was his own little campaign. The Salvation Army had nothing on this kid - who had to be reminded that it was slightly inappropriate to answer our door with a bucket in his hand and demand for people to empty their pockets for "poor kids". He even told a cashier at Target, "I have Jesus in my heart and care about poor kids...you should too!" He tells us fairly often that when he grows up, in addition to being a fire fighter, a Marine, a football player and a doctor, that he's going to rescue those poor kids and tell them about Jesus.

He took it to a new level today though...and shed some more light into that sweet mind and heart of his. From the back seat I heard him say, "Mommy? When I'm a grown-up I'm going to marry a poor girl and we'll help save those poor kids together. She'll be poor because she won't have a husband or a child...but then she'll marry me and I'll take care of that." Talk about melting my heart! I love my Monkey and his heart!

Oh, by the way, when talking about his future wife, he refers to her as "Honey".

For My Monkey

Recently, it's started to really hit me how little time we have left with it being just the three of us.  Already, there is tons of talk and planning about our "little Peanut" and a week from tomorrow, we should know what kind of peanut we're having.  I have a feeling that once we know whether we're adding a boy or a girl, things are going to take off even more.  It will be time to move the planning into full gear (as well as the decorating, registering, re-organizing...oh, and did I mention decorating?).  Anyway, as exciting as the future is, I keep reminding myself how important it is to enjoy now too.  I've been paying extra attention to everything going on with Drew and taking it all in.  So, the rest of this blog is for him.  You're more than welcome to read it but I just wanted some place to write down just a little bit of the cool stuff going on with him right now.

Dear Monkey, 

I love you so much!  Daddy and I are so proud of what a big boy you are becoming.  You are already such a good big brother and we can't wait until "our" baby is born so you can show everyone how awesome you are with him or her.  I know we talk about the baby a lot, so I just wanted to take a few minutes and talk about you!

Right now you are just two weeks away from your 4th Birthday! We're having a BBQ party in the back yard and you've asked for a "Sunshine" cake.  We've had so much fun letting you pick out your decorations and listening to you plan how you want your party to go.  You definitely have your Daddy's love of a party, Mommy's planning gene and both of our creativity.  

I can't believe how big you are getting! You are 42" tall and have already grown 2" this summer.  You weigh 42 lbs and wear a size 5 in clothes and a 12 in shoes...basically, all that means that you are growing like a weed!

Speaking of weeds, you have a huge fascination with planting and growing things...although sometimes I suspect that it's more about digging in the dirt.  We went to your first Pig Wrestling last weekend and you busied yourself with getting every bit as filthy as the wrestlers.  You pride yourself on getting so "grubby" that I have to scrub your bathtub after every bath.  Of course, after that bath, I have to figure out how wrangle you back into clothes.  It seems you're pretty opposed to them these days and even your younger friends have noticed.  Patrick said last week that you were "in your belly button."  We might have to work on that...

You've also recently developed a love for superheros.  Right now, Captain America is your favorite but you're fascinated with all the Avengers and you and Daddy spend hours wrestling, sword fighting and "blasting" each other all over the house.  As all of our friends say, you are ALL boy!

You are definitely all boy but you are a very sweet one.  You like to "take care of Mommy" while Daddy is working and you desperately want a little sister so that you can protect her from "bad guys, monsters and other kinds of stuff."  You refer to the baby as "your baby" or sometimes "our baby".  Sometimes people think that sounds funny but I know what a big part you've played in all of this.  You were our little prayer warrior from the time you were 20 months old until the day we told you that you were finally going to be a big brother...even now, you pray every night for the baby "to grow big and strong and healthy so that [you] can hold her."  

You do have your moments when you're playing with your friends or here at home (nobody is perfect!!) but you are always quick to give a big hug and say you're sorry when you're wrong.  Mommy and Daddy are just so proud of you.  We're proud of how smart, how creative and how sweet you are...and so much more!  

I love you Little Monkey, 

                     Mommy

Q & A with the Monkey

Recently, I read a blog where a friend of mine said that she never wanted to be "that mom" who always talks about her kid, as she lead into a story about him.  She is so not that mom.  Her blog is absolutely adorable; a perfect balance of home decorating, stories about family and seasonally relevant tidbits.  I am, however, "that mom".  I would apologize for it but I think you and I both know that it wouldn't really be heartfelt and that I would just continue to ramble on about the funny, slightly inappropriate, adorable, intelligent, etc. things that my little monkey says.  Oh, and here's a little heads up: once the Little Peanut gets here, I will probably not improve.  In fact, it's entirely likely that my incessant babble about my children will double (or worse).

So, now that we're past the non-apology, I'm going to move on to the real point of my post.  I came across (another) fellow mommy's blog the other day that had a questionnaire she'd done with her 3 year old on it.  It reminded me of the ones we used to do with the kids at Williams School around Mother's Day.  I was really looking forward to seeing Drew's but since we moved mid-year, it never happened.  So, I figured, why not?  I just asked him the questions myself and since he's Drew, he really couldn't care less who was asking because A) He is equally blunt with everyone and B) It gave him a reason to talk and play on Mommy's computer.

Here's our Q &A:


Q. What is something mom always says to you?
                        A. You say you love me all the time!
Q. What makes mom happy?
                        A. When I'm being good...that makes you happy!
Q. What makes mom sad?
                        A. When I hit and smack and kick!
Q. How does your mom make you laugh?
                        A. By telling jokes and tickling!
Q. What was your mom like as a child?
                        A. Like a doll
Q. How old is your mom?
                        A. 2
Q. How tall is your mom?
                        A. This big...a hundred feet pounds!
Q. What is her favorite thing to watch on TV?
                        A. Mommy and Dad shows
Q. What does your mom do when you're not around?
                        A. Go to Mommy Mops
Q. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
                        A. Myself (As in, himself)
Q. What is your mom really good at?
                        A. Making Hot Chocolate and Being Good
Q. What is your mom not very good at?
                        A. You can't push couches
Q. What does your mom do for her job?
                        A. To stay here and take care of me
Q. What is your mom's favorite food?
                        A. Pizza
Q. What makes you proud of your mom?
                        A. Cooking food
Q. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
                        A. Lightening McQueen.  I know you're a girl, like Sally but I still would want you to                          be Lightening.
Q. What do you and your mom do together?
                        A. Go to the park, drink hot chocolate, go to the library, sometimes you play too
Q. How are you and your mom the same?
                        A. Because we look just alike
Q. How are you and your mom different?
                        A. I'm a boy and you're a girl!
Q. How do you know your mom loves you?
                        A. By hugging
Q. What is Mommy's favorite thing about Daddy?
                        A. You two love each other
Q. Where is your mom's favorite place to go
                        A. Subway

So there it is.  Enjoy, laugh, roll your eyes...whatever suits you.  I have one adorable little monkey though and I just can't help but love to listen what he says and then pass it on to y'all!

"Can I See in Your Tummy?"

I have a few other friends that are also expecting and we're always saying how crazy it is that something so tiny has so much control.  This little peanut controls what I eat, how much I do around the house (read: very little), how I feel, how many times I cry during a day and has hours of conversation revolving around it.  In addition, it peaks Drew's interest like nothing else I've ever seen...which in turn leads to a whole host of questions, comments and concerns.

He's extremely interested in seeing pictures of babies in utero so we sit down at least once a week and look up on the computer what is happening each week and what the baby might look like.  (As a side note, this kid may have a future in the medical field...I've known adults with multiple children who couldn't read an ultrasound as well as this kid can!)  It occurred to me recently though that in attempting to help answer his questions, I might have caused some confusion.  Especially when he lifted my shirt and wanted to know, "Mommy? Where is your picture of the baby on your tummy like those mommies on the computer?"

He's also worried about how Lady Grey will respond to the new baby.  I told him that it would be ok and I would be keeping an extra close eye on her.  His response was, "NO! I am in charge of this sort of thing and I'm not gonna have THAT CAT do anything to my baby.  I'm not having it and I will handle it!"  Now it looks like I'll be keeping an extra close eye on the cat and Drew!

Recently we checked out "The Birds, The Bees and The Bernstein Bears" from the library.  It's about the arrival of a new baby bear in the family.  Drew loved the book, practically memorized it and can even quote parts of it.  Clearly, he understood the point of it.  I know this because he walked into preschool the other day, checked to be sure that almost everyone was there and then said loudly, "Excuse me, everyone!  My mom's lap is disappearing.  She is going to get bigger and bigger 'cause the baby is growing.  Eventually she won't even have a lap anymore but when the baby comes then she'll have her lap back...so don't worry!"  His teacher informed me that she is pretty sure he's on a mission to inform the entire county.  Nice...

Another idea that he picked up from that book is that he won't be going to see the baby being born.  We were laying in bed the other day and he rolled over, looked at me and said, "Mom, I'm not going to the hospital when the baby comes out.  I'll need to get a babysitter...I'll just call Hannah."  Good to know that he plans on taking care of that for me.

Overall, he is pretty awesome about this whole time in our lives.  He's wanted a baby for so long that he's willing to deal with almost anything to get one.  He understands that mommy is tired, nauseous, gets headaches and can't be jumped on anymore.  He even goes so far as to remind me sometimes.  I've been dealing with some morning sickness (and while he appreciates me keeping it in the bathroom, "Mom, please don't throw up on my stairs...that would just be rude!") he also know why it happens.  The other day he saw that I was feeling sick and asked me if I was nauseous.  I told him that I was and he calmly answered, "It's ok Momma.  It's just because the baby is growing big and strong."

He takes such good care of his Momma, I'm so excited to see him finally get to be a big brother!

Oh, one more thing.  I wanted to give an honorable mention to one of Drew's friends, Patrick.  Patrick is going to be a big brother soon too but since he is a little bit younger, his understanding of the whole thing is a little different.  His mom told him that she has a baby in her tummy.  His response? "Well get it out!"

Beyond Thankful!

I'm sitting on the couch right now, trying to compose the words to express just how thankful I am.  For those of you who know me pretty well, you know this has not come easily to us.  For almost 2 years, we've been praying for God to add to our family.  Even Drew has been praying almost nightly since he was 20 months old for a baby sister.  So, for what seems to have been an eternity, I've forced myself to focus on the amazing little monkey that we have and happily congratulated many pregnant friends and mommies with their newborns.  I've researched and agonized and wondered what was wrong with me.  Ironically, I had finally made an appointment to go see a doctor in Billings to begin what I assumed would be a long process of questions, testing and disappointment.  


A few weeks ago though, something really crazy happened.  I was sitting in Bible Study with my friends and we were reading in the first part of Mark 6.  Having a hard time focusing with the babies and pregnant mommies seeming to surround me, my eyes wandered over to the next page.  The last part of Mark 6:33 literally jumped off the page at me.  It reads, "Do not be afraid any longer, only believe."  I don't know about you but when God says, "Do not" I tend to think I should be listening.  This kicked off weeks of intense prayer, journaling, and singing worship songs in my head whenever I started to agonize over what I feared just had to be coming.  It turns out that pretty much the exact time  I was reading that verse, my mom was praying that I wouldn't lose hope...pretty incredible, isn't He?

I spent Saturday with some of those same friends I was in Bible Study with that day.  We were at Leadership Summit for our MOPs group.  They all laughed at me as I sprinted to the bathroom no less than 10 times in 5 hours.  There were even threats to force me to take a pregnancy test because (being the amazing friends that they are) they were just as excited for the possibility as I was.  Even this morning after I finally agreed to Jesse running to the store to buy a test, I was still apprehensive.  The disappointment has become so common and I was sure I wouldn't be happy with the answer.  I was distracting myself by sitting on the back steps with Jesse, watching Drew play (which is not all that much of a distraction when I was busy imagining spending next summer playing in the back yard with my big boy and a pudgy little baby).  Finally, my "oh so wise" hubby leaned down and asked, "Do you trust God or not?"

The picture says it all.  More, in fact, if you know why it was taken outside.  I was so excited that I literally ran out of the house and down the sidewalk, waving the stick as the boys walked up from the mailbox...ridiculous, I know.  I'm just so beyond thankful...I'm way into the neighborhood of giddy.  I guess I realize that as painful and disappointing it was to be let down over and over, I know so many people who have gone (and are going through) so much worse.  I have friends and family that I pray for so often, knowing that while my pain exists, theirs is so far beyond my comprehension.

For those who are curious, I'm very early on in this pregnancy.  I'm only about 5 weeks along and won't be due until early December.  You may wonder why we chose to go ahead and announce it now.  It's pretty simple, really.  So many of you have journeyed and prayed with and for us as we've been trying to add to our little family.  We wanted you to know that your prayers have been answered.  Also, as thankful as we are to you for having prayed for us, we want to ask you to continue to pray that everything goes well.   I know I wouldn't have made it this far without all your prayers and I'm not so deluded as to think that I can go it alone now.

So, we are beyond thankful for this little one on the way.  We are beyond thankful for a God who has so richly blessed us. We are beyond thankful for you and all the interceding you've done on our behalf.

So now, we are on our way to the next adventure!

Devotion

I've always heard that there is just something special about little boys and their mommas.  My little monkey is definitely a case in point.  Several months ago, he proposed for the first time.  I told him that Mommy couldn't marry him even though I loved him bunches and he let it go.  He informed me a couple of months back that he had decided that when Gracey (his best friend's baby sister) gets to be a grown up, he's going to marry her because, "I just love her too much!"  Gracey's mom and I have had some laughs over this and informed Gracey (at 9 months) that it's her job to remember how much trouble they'll be in if they run off and get married at 18.  I have a feeling that we'll have to bring this up with her again in the future.

Last week though, Drew had a temporary change of heart.  "Momma," he said one morning with his little hands cupped around my face, "I decided I can't marry Gracey.  I decided I can't marry her because I'm just going to marry you!"  I told him that I loved him very much and that he's the sweetest boy ever but that I can't marry him since I'm already married to Daddy (and mommas can't marry their little boys).  "But Momma," he continued, "if I marry Gracey then you will be all alone!"  I reminded him that he and Gracey couldn't get married for a very, very long time and that even then, I would still have Daddy.  "Oh Momma!" he cried as he threw his arms around me, "Won't you miss me?  I might be so far away!"  I explained that sometimes, when you grow up, you do have to move far away but that of course I would miss him so much and I reiterated that was still a long, long time away.  He sat there thoughtful for a minute and finally said, "Well, I guess I can still marry Gracey then...but do you think maybe she can get glasses like your's when we're big?" 

For my friends who don't have kids yet, the fact that sometimes my breath actually catches when I'm with my little man may seem odd.  For the rest of you, I think you'll agree that the love, admiration and devotion that is so often displayed is, literally, breath taking.  It stops me in my tracks and reminds me of just how blessed I am.